It hits like a wave. It crashes over my shoulders and smashes me full force in the face. Over and over.  It buries and engulfs me. I am powerless to stop it.  It suffocates me to the point I cannot breathe. I open my mouth and it floods in. Into my mind, and rushes through my body. 

Why did you leave me? I feel like a scared child looking up with wide eyes and a wet face and clenched fists. I loved you and you left me. You said I was your whole wide world and you left me. I am nothing without your unwavering stoic belief in me and you left this empty shell here, hollow and empty, washed up on the rocks. 

Why did you leave me? The pain in my nose and in my chest and in the back of my throat when I consider the reality that you aren’t alive any more. That you really are gone. That you exist nowhere but in my mind.  I bury it always. No one is allowed to see this part of me. This part that belongs to you and only you. I can’t be me without you. I don’t know how.  You left me so long ago and I can’t let go. I can’t move on. I still exist where I can be with you. 

I don’t want to leave you. I don’t think I am ever going to be ok. I don’t know how to be ok. I am not me, I am a sad defeated carcass of what is left. You left and took the best of me away with you. 

You were the best Dad in the whole wide world.